


Let's be monochrome

by Hannibalsapron



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Angst, Break Up, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-23
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-08 16:54:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5505605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hannibalsapron/pseuds/Hannibalsapron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil had dreams, he had ambition and he had an opportunity. An opportunity that didn’t involve Dan. AU where Phil decides to go to America and leaves Dan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Everything was very simplistic at first. He wasn’t the type of person who would throw everything away to start anew when things didn’t go the way he wanted them to go. He preferred to run along life and see what it brings to him and whether it is brought on a bronze or silver platter, he’ll always accept both. He was a survivor on both suffering sides. Yes, Dan always wanted to feel invincible.

But like every cheaply or maybe godly written teenage angst stories, this wasn’t the case.

He supposed when Phil brought up the question whilst their hands were interlaced and the clock on the mantle was buffering at eleven, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise. Dan would have been a fool to not have picked up that Phil always wanted something bigger, something greater than he had, he knew Phil was never really content. But somewhere in his barren wasteland of a mind, he had hoped that Phil would have stayed. For him.

“It’s just a thought you know,” Phil said, voice plucking a cord on every word, “just putting it out there.”

There was a hesitant pause until Dan began chuckling slightly, something that he does when he was evidently uncomfortable. Their fingers slowly slipped out, “Don’t go, Phil. What we have going on here is…well...nice, you know?”

 “I know,” he agreed, “I just-want to latch on what I can reach.”

“And that’s America I presume?”

“Well..yeah.”

“Then it’s not me then, isn’t it?”

“No, Dan, no. You know that I don’t mean it that way.”

“’Course you don’t,” Dan muttered, “You never really do.”

“Look,” Phil sighed and turned the television off, “I’ve got a job offer. A good one.”

There was another solitary pause and Dan knew, he _knew_ he was making the situation awkward but darkness encapsulated his mind as he gritted his teeth.

“I would,” Phil swallowed, “ask you to come with me, but it’s not that simple.”

“What do you mean?” Dan’s voice cracked, and Phil moved a little closer.

“It’s not only America. I’m a journalist Dan. I have to go all over the world. And-“

“I don’t like travelling.”

Phil paused, “And you don’t like travelling. Exactly.”

White statics fills the air, draping them both in discomfort. Dan didn’t want to recognize the feeling that he has now as something akin to the way he felt every single time Phil leaves him. But the fact that this could be permanent scared him even more.

“Do you not love me, Phil?” Dan implored, eyes boring holes into the pillow opposite of them. He hated giving ultimatums, but he hated Phil even more for making the thought even wash up against his subconscious.

“Of course I love you Dan, I love you so much-“

“Then why the fuck are you leaving me?”

“Are you seriously making this about you?”

“Well it is about me!” Dan abruptly looked at Phil, a face contorted with anger and distrust at his own words. In the moment, Phil got up in a rush of adrenaline.

Phil retaliated, “I am my own person Dan! Not yours!”

“If you love me, you’d make this work then.”

“What suggestions do you have then? Hmm? Stay here forever with you and never go anywhere?”

Dan stopped seething and just stares at Phil with so much hurt. A sense of dread settles in his gut as Dan whispers out, “Am-am I suffocating you?”

“Dan! Don’t be stupid,” Phil pulled Dan from the couch in sentimental care and tucked his head in the nook of his shoulder. It was at that moment Dan realized, Phil was not joking. He was being serious. And Phil was not a person filled with outbursts or confusion he was just…Phil. It wasn’t meant to be complicated, it wasn’t meant to be more than it had become. Dan wasn’t supposed to be like this. But he can’t stop it when Phil was hugging him and tears run tired tracks against his cheeks. After the fires below their television set hushed down, Dan reopened his eyes, “Are-are we breaking up then?”

“I don’t want to.” Phil admitted, slowly releasing Dan to look at his face.

“It’s going to be…complicated.”

“I know.”

Dan dared not look at Phil because the more he looked; the more he saw a promise of forever flickering in his eyes and dissipating around them. He shut his eyes before deciding, “No.”

 “Excuse me?”

“I said no, I don’t think we should do this anymore.” Dan had said quietly. Phil’s mouth parts for a while as he stared at Dan with a pained and soft expression. And in a way, that was comfort, that Phil didn’t seem joyous at the decision either. He didn’t really know if it was endearing or completely heartbreaking but Dan knew nothing will ever return the way it was. And maybe it was the survivor and rational thinking within him that prevented him completely breaking down but when Phil slowly nodded, Dan had felt that he had died and had been hanged up in someone made in a mockery of him.

Dan smiled, “I love you. And holding you down is a poor example of that.”

He felt Phil nod and he can’t really postulate Phil’s expression right now but he doesn’t need to. He doesn’t want to. This time, Dan doesn’t cry.

They agreed to keep on dating until Phil boarded a plane early in the morning next week and they had decided to spend their last night together on the roof top of their apartment with permission of their land lord. They placed stupid candles and paper lanterns Dan had bought cheap in the Wallgreens down the block and they were both tipsy with red wine lingering on their lips and a melody stuck on repeat between them.

“I’ll miss you.” Phil whispered, voice slurring at the edges as he joined Dan. He dangled his feet off the ledge and gazed out at the vast darkness of illuminated and non-illuminated sky scrapers and funnily enough, things began to look nostalgic.

“Hm,” Dan sipped more wine from the bottle, afraid that if he was to say anything more he would just end up in wasted tears with a bitter aftertaste imprinted on the roof of his mouth.

“Do you have any idea what you’re going to do when I’m gone?”

Dan had thought about this weeks ago, before Phil even brought the subject up and it had always been a blur, “I’ll be following the wind.” He gestured towards the open air of London.

Phil smiled and looked down at their feet and bumped their shoulders together, “You’ll be fine.”

No, Dan decided, he wouldn’t.

“Just remember to use your brain, your smarts right up there,” Phil lightly tapped at Dan’s head, eliciting a grin from the younger, “And you’ll find navigation. Remember to clean up when you’re done, remember to actually go out, remember to think of yourself, and remember…”

Dan glanced up as Phil said, “Remember that I love you.”

“Don’t-“Dan laughed, “Please don’t. Don’t say that.”

“It’s true,” Phil chuckled, “I love you, I always will…Thank you.”

A genial pause hanged above their hands. Then Phil had slowly reached out to give him a soft kiss before he winded his arms around his shoulder and resting his head. They didn’t need to say much after that, Phil had said all that needed to be said and Dan tried hard to not be a maudlin and give into feelings but he focused hard on remembering. Remembering how it felt like to have Phil pressed up against him, he tried to remember so he won’t forget. After all, they might as well be strangers when they meet again years in the future. He’ll remember and remember because forgetting is the worst part.

They talked and chatted back and forth through Skype and late night calls for a month before their schedules kept missing each other and Dan should have seen this coming and tried to stop it but with his new YouTube channel and slow pilling subscribers, they lost touch and by the time Dan had remembered and wanted to contact Phil after four months, he had changed his own cell number and Phil, his.

It was a silent agreement that they could never really be friends. And their lack of attempt at mends sort of solidifies their chapter because what they shared between them was too much to be taken down the way it eventually did. But one thing Dan doesn’t do is forget a lesson. He would never forget what Phil strived for and how his sentiments and beliefs had interweave with what he stood for.

It took him a while, but he finally understood the reason why Phil left him. He knew it was by passion for something else and the need to make something of himself whilst Dan was comforted by the fact that he already had someone in his life. That the final stop of life would be finding someone that you loved and to be loved back and things which come after that, well, they wouldn’t really matter. But then again, he had thought that person would be Phil.

But fantasies are always better than the reality. Phil had other plans that unfortunately, did not include him, and he had contemplated on falling back into his old drinking habit but decided against it because he knew if he did, all Phil had done to make him better would have been for nothing. Those nights where he distracted him with card games at 3 am when he can’t sleep, whispers when he would completely break down, and a gentle kiss at the corner of his mouth when his hand reached for the bottle. No, to break his promise to Phil by starting to drink again would be making a derision of his memory and he couldn’t do that.

So instead, he moved his pillow to the center instead of the right because Phil sleeps on the left, and began to make videos after years of watching other Youtubers for his laughter. He wanted to create his own instead of sitting there in self-indulgence and anticipation of someone else. He wanted to create laughter. Just like how Phil was able to pull that out from himself. He wanted to give people the effect Phil gave to him. Hope.

And after his sudden shoot up of popularity in 6 months, he began hosting events, going to radio shows, featuring in magazines and free tours, Dan was slowly gaining money. He always felt like Phil was the one earning all the money while he was a college dropout with no law degree and just by earning his first thousand, he wanted to cry. He had a jar beneath his pile of clothes in a locked drawer where he stashed his money, and beside it would be a picture of him and Phil. They might not be together anymore but Phil was a huge influence in his life and he’d like to think just by looking at him, he’d feel inspired.

“I’ll get us a good apartment Phil,” Dan swallowed, “By God, I swear.”

And funnily enough, Dan became a motivational speaker as well. And in every one of his talks, whether it was towards friends, teenagers, adults, heck even old people, he would always mention Phil. Even if he didn’t know what the hell Phil was doing now or if his dreams had lasted in America. He was probably happy right now, and Dan, Dan hopes he can say he is too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pj pours out the truth and Phil's revisited by dreadful memories

_6 Years Later_

* * *

 

Phil attempts to assuage his giddiness as the plane descends at Heathrow airport. An amlgam of emotions envelop him in warmth and the sentimental feeling of _home._ America had been an incredibly experience for him, doubting that would have been incredibly foolish, but he was British at heart and this was his home. His first home.

He pulls his luggage from the overhead compartment and walks out of the airplane when he feels his phone letting off a soft buzz.

**From: Cain**

Have you reached London yet? Xx

**To: Cain**

Yeah just arrived. I’m going over to stay at a friend of mine’s. You remember Pj right?

**From: Cain**

‘Course I do :) Alright, come back after a month okay or I’ll be missing you too much. I love you.

 

Phil paused and bit his lip, finger hovering above the keyboard.

 

**To: Cain**

Miss you too.

 

Pocketing his phone, he hails a cab to leave the airport and calls up Pj, who he is extremely excited to see after 4 years after the latter had taken the time to visit him in America.

“Phil!”

“Hey Peej,” Phil grins to himself, cradling the phone to his ear from the taxi, “I just arrived and I’m already on my way to your house.”

“Great! Sorry for not being able to pick you up, work’s a hack.”

“No, that’s fine. You already let me stay in your house for a month. That’s totally crazy.”

“Really, it’s a total pleasure to have you back.”

“Aww thanks man,” Phil pauses to look out the cab window when he realizes how much the phone call would cost, “Catch up later then? My phone’s SIM card is still in America.”

“Ouch,” Pj’s voice filters in, “Expensive. Alright, I’ll see you in 20 then.”

“See you.”

Many things didn’t change. London was similar to memory in some angles, imposing museums, tall buildings, friendly people, just as he has remembered. It was a comfort, he would suppose but the feeling of familiarity unsettles him. How can things remain the same? After 6 years, always?

It was just wishful thinking that London was years ahead of America, but hey, a guy could just wish. By the time he pulls up to Pj’s apartment, a light drizzle has begun abruptly. Phil takes a deep breath and gets out of the taxi, paying the man 20 pounds.

“Thank you.” Phil says as he pushes up his glasses which began to collect rain water. Hauling his own luggage out of the trunk, he turns to see Pj, with a wide umbrella jogging over to him from across the road.

“Phil! Here, let me help you with those. Welcome back.”

He pauses after placing his luggage on the cracked gravel and looked up at the rain and grinned. The rain was a memory in a faded polaroid picture.

“Glad to be back.” Phil grins.

“Would you like a cuppa?”

“Yeah sure.”

“Lovely.”

Outside a dog barks and Phil watches the clouds shroud the voluminous sun as he climbs the narrow staircase. He traces the frayed wallpapers as he trudges up and disposes his luggage into the spare room before settling back into the couch located in the living room. The apartment was quaint and comfortable, with light furniture dusting the edges to give it an occupied feeling. The floor, carpeted and washed out, and the tall lamp overseeing where he sat, was a careless mimic of the sun.

“How long have you been living here?”

“Oh, it’s temporary, actually,” Pj calls from the kitchen, “V’ been living here for only a couple months. Already furnished beforehand.”

“Really? What are you waiting for?”

Pj doesn’t answer causing Phil to assume that his question may have went over his friend’s head until a grim voice floats through the air. “Phil, I think we need to talk.” Pj grimaces.

He could just imagine Pj: a paucity of his smile, hair limp and elbows leaning against the marbled kitchen table.

A sibilant sound pollutes the air as the kettle squeals.

Phil looks back at the table as he hears Pj messing with some mugs in the kitchen. He sits with an unreadable expression, poised and mannered but not quite the image of peace, taking more time to absorb the apartment when he notices a framed picture sitting on the coffee table.

It didn’t seem very old but I wasn’t new either. The edges of the picture were slightly folded and the frame had a slight out of place gash across one of the sides. It seemed to be taken at a convention with three girls, a boy and Louise grinning at the camera. Phil picks up the picture to examine it closer.

Louise, he recognized, but he wasn’t too close to her at the moment, but the other three, he swore he’s seen in a YouTube video some time ago when he used to go there more often to kill time. But the boy, he looked differently and woefully similar. He frowned and took a closer look. He was so familiar but awkwardly tall. Then he stopped squinting and grew pallid as he slowly placed the picture back in its place at the same time Pj came hobbling in with a tray of mugs filled with tea.

“You wanted milk tea?”

“Yeah, thanks.” Phil accepts the cup as Pj lays down the tray on the coffee table. Pj wipes his palms on his sweats and slowly sits down. Phi sips his tea as he waited for Pj to talk. It was quite a while before Pj lets out a light sigh and faces Phil. “You missed quite a lot, when you were gone,” Pj begins, “Quite-quite a lot. I mean, it’s great you came back, but Phil, you don’t know a lot of things. Things that happened.”

Phil nodds, because he knew it was true and disparaging that would make the situation worse.

“Well, roughly put, I don’t have my job anymore.”

Phil’s eyes widens in confusion, “But Pj, you were good at your job.”

“I know, and I was going somewhere, I know,” Pj waves off, “but I didn’t like accounting Phil. It was hard for me to admit that, especially when I was about to get a promotion-“

“Wait, you quit where you were on the verge of that? Pj, you could’ve been quite well-off. What does Allen say about this? You told me you guys always needed the money.”

“Yeah, well, that’s changed too, me and Allen are getting a divorce.” Pj was looking down and twiddling with his fingers, “Hence, the temporary move. I felt like I needed to get out. Well, you know, before the papers are finalized.”

“But,” Phil shakes his head, Pj and Allen were the perfect pair, they gave each other what they needed, this was absolutely ridiculous, “you’re so in love.”

“ _Were_ in love. So yeah, well, we both agreed on this. It’s better than a messier break-up I suppose. It was going well Phil, God it was. But well, people change. And when you were gone, it was a wake-up call. For me.”

“It started that soon?” Phil asks quietly.

“God no, I mean, it was a wake-up call for me to follow my dreams. Which was on YouTube. It was great, trust me, and Allen was supportive for the first couple of years but then Allen’s company faced a deficit and his salary was cut. It was still a good job and we got money, but well- my YouTubing didn’t really bring on the hard cash. So it became difficult for us, for a while. And we got into a lot of fights. And you know, earlier this year, we agreed for divorce. It was what we both wanted. Needed, I’d like to insist.”

Phil remains stoic, brain rushing fast and tries to recall the last time in between their occasional phone calls, if ever, did he ask Pj if he was okay. Phil stares at his tea. The white of the milk had claimed its territory and laps at the darkness of the surface. “I-I don’t really know what to say Pj. I mean, I suppose you’re happier now.”

“Not yet,” Pj admits, “But I will be.”

“Good.”

Pj smiles and he cleans up their tea so Phil could catch up to the time difference. As night fell and the sky slides away from orange to black, Phil turns on the ceiling light and it casts a warm glow around his room. He gets ready for bed and lies supinely, staring at the ceiling, wondering what else had changed when he was gone. He wonders if Pj was still friends with Chris after finding out that the two hardly talk nowadays. After he and Allen got hitched, Chris went out of the picture for a while in Pj’s life and he remembers Pj complaining about it, but never did much else. And he wonders about the fat tom cat which belonged to Kevin; if his orange fur has faded yet.

He thought about a lot of things and he knew, hours away from America, he was supposed to be thinking of his boyfriend but all he could think about was Dan. Did he change so much? Evidently from how he could hardly recognize him in the picture, but how much had he missed of Dan? He wondered if Dan was alright, if he ever found his calling, if he ever got out of his wretched loneliness which had plagued him when they were together. He rolls over in his bed when he feels a sudden ache in his chest. Maybe it was the feeling of being in London again which made him wonder more about him, but it felt real.

He wonders if Dan had a boyfriend. He wonders if he had a girlfriend. He wonders if they were wonderfully pneumatic or if they were philosophers. He wonders a lot, looking at the disparaging moon, a crevice in his heart. He wondered of what could have been if he had stayed.

He decides that he will meet Dan, soon enough, to stop this feeling of missing out. Better to get it over with so he can enjoy his trip here before heading back to America. He needs thi, closure. Yes, he’d admit, they parted in unconventional terms and he couldn’t help but ruminate if leaving was the best choice. Making atonements will leave him in peace, he hopes. He lays there, for minutes, then hours, until he was fast asleep. His mind was blank.

* * *

 

 “I was wondering Pj,” Phil begains spreading jam onto his toast, “how’s Dan?”

Phil’s eyes follow the journey of a lettuce which falls to the floor dramatically.

“Dan?” Pj spoke with a galvanic tone, as if surprised at the sudden mention, “He’s fine. Doing well actually.”

“Really?” Phil couldn’t help feeling disappointed.

“Surprisingly, yeah.”

“Why surprisingly?”

Pj stiffens and ignores Phil’s inquiry, “He’s got a YouTube channel as well, doing really well. 3 million subscribers.”

“You mean, people who watch his videos?”

“Nope, I mean people who wait and follow his videos. They get notified when he makes new ones and stuff like that.”

“Seems interesting. Say, isn’t that what you’re doing as well?”

“Yeah, it’s great fun. Want to hop on the bandwagon as well? I think you’ll be great at it.”

“YouTube?” Phil laughs, “Yeah right.”

“What? It’s a great opportunity to make friends.” Pj hesitates on what he says next, “Speaking of friends, I have a small gathering later today for YouTubers. It’ll be great fun. Great food, people, music…Dan’ll be there.”

“That’s good.”

“Really. Would it?”

Phil stops eating and lookes at Pj. He suddenly realizes how Pj’s voice grew cold at the mention of Dan again. “It’s healed you know. I mean, mended.” Phil tries to assure him, “The Dan and me thing. I feel no injury, its fine to talk about him. Especially to me.”

“Yeah, because you’re the one who left him.”

Pj quickly becomes busy after saying that and Phil couldn’t feel help feeling slightly attacked. “Are you mad at me for doing that? Cause, you should say it Pj, I’d understand.”

Pj worries his bottom lip momentarily before turning to Phil as he decantes some milk to a glass.

“Not mad, exactly,” he places the milk down and his eyes meets Phil’s, “but after you left. Things became a little bleak. With him. I mean, I saw him, but I could tell he was devastated even if he tried not to look like it.”

“I didn’t mean to-“

“Yeah, I know. But you did. He was broken. For a while.”

Phil lookes down.

“Took him 2 years to really recuperate and get back to the flow of things. Almost became homeless.”

“Him?” Phil looks back up.

“Yeah, jobs weren’t working for him. I mean, they never do, for anybody, but Dan was having a really rough time. But you know, he’s a good lad. He got back up you know? Got himself up and out of that rut he’s been in. Hasn’t been able to function in a while so he was rusty, but he’s doing quite alright now. He’s a success story to some people.”

“..Was it that bad?”

“Kind of was. He said you guys fell out.”

“I kind of thought that was what he wanted.”

“No one really knows what Dan wanted. Wants. He’s in control. In check, and seeing him well now, it makes me really think. I don’t want to say anything, but Dan’s dating someone.”

The announcement was quite sudden, out of context, and Phil nearly chokes on his water. He couldn’t understand what he felt at the moment but he keeps his silence and allows Pj to continue.

“So Phil, I just want to tell you. When you see Dan, promise me you won’t try anything, alright?”

“…what do you mean?”

“Don’t really…go there. It’s not that I don’t think you’re not a great guy and you’re one of my best friends, it’s just that he’s been through a lot. And well…uh, it wouldn’t be the best idea when you try to get back into things with him. You know, even friendship is its own rocky boat.”

“But I don’t intend on staying so long that it would bring out anything so negative…”

“That’s the thing though? Isn’t it?” the chair Pj dragges across the wooden floor boards makes an unpleasant sound, “I don’t know how to put this. But Phil, you have an effect on people.”

 “Effect?”

“You make them fall in love with you,” Pj’s expression was dull and stiff, “and then you leave.”

“I know about all the guys before Dan. I know what you do Phil. You forget that you used to tell me everything and you can deny a lot. You can say that you left with them happier but the truth is that you make them love you and you freak and you leave. Dan didn’t know about it and he still doesn’t, but I do. And going through that wasn’t fun.”

Phil swallows and he couldn’t look up at Pj. There was a bitter pause as he watches Pj throw out his coffee down the drain and leave without another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Phil and Pj used to date briefly so that's why Pj knows what Phil does.  
> Ps. I said I would update by Wednesday but my internet was down so I'll post again tomorrow :)


	3. Chapter 3

“Are you sure you don’t want to go?”

“I don’t like to intrude. I’d like time to go on naturally, I feel like I’m pushing the pace. Hastening the plot.”

“Ah,” Pj smiles, “Phil’s life is always a story isn’t it?”

“In my head it is Pj, only in there.”

Phil bids Pj goodbye, watching him hop off into the road to the party. He felt uninvited if he came anyway, and he supposes getting back into the flow of things in London was just what he needed. He went to the market to buy some groceries Pj had asked him too and even visited that pet shop he had went to constantly with Dan, trying to pick out pets if they were ever to have any.

His last stop was to the library where he spent an hour looking at books, even sneaking to the kids section, before heading back to Pj’s flat. Then he fixes himself supper and that was it. He didn’t think anything eventful would happen but he didn’t know events that went on in someone’s life could be so trifling and quiet. There seemed to be hardly any pace to anything he did, everything was slow and grey.

The day ended with him reading a comic book until he fell asleep.

That night he dreamt of Dan, his face was shadowed over with a hat and he found it a bit weird that he recognized him. Phil attempted to approach him but the closer he came towards Dan, the further Dan went. He finally stopped when he grew tired chasing and only then did Dan hand Phil a playing card. A card filled with small red hearts.

“What does this mean?” Phil had asked.

Dan simply shook his head and without warning smacked him straight across the face.

And well, that was all he remembered.

* * *

 

The stars lay blankly across the sky, as if tired of its constant extravagance. Outside of the apartment there was a porch with a vibrating light hung over the head and two plastic lawn chair to give out an air of comfort.

“You out there Peej?”

Pj turns around abruptly and pulles out his cigarette from between his lips, “I thought you were asleep already.”

“Was. For a while. It’s 2 in the morning in’it?”

“Yeah,” Pj nods, “Sorry came home late. Thought of having a cig before going to bed.”

“That’s alright.”

“Sorry if it’s going all over you.”

“Naah, it’s fine,” Phil scratches the back of his head, fingers running through his unruly hair, “Say, do you have an extra?”

“You smoke?”

“On occasion.”

Pj lights a cigarette for Phil and they sit down, only the careless chirps of crickets rocking the night into its gentle lullaby.

“This holiday was supposed to be fun,” Phil takes a drag of his cigarette, smoke overlapping and dispersing into the air, “Now, I dunno.”

“Sorry I’m such a crappy host,” Pj sighes, “I haven’t really gotten anyone staying over recently.”

“No, it’s nothing like that. You’ve been fantastic enough, letting me stay here and all. Means a lot. But it isn’t because of that. It’s just…it’s been long since I’ve been here you know? I miss a lot. I missed out on a lot. And that’s a fact. I mean if you asked me a year ago if I regretted moving I’d deny the hell out of it but now, now, I don’t know anymore. Journalism’s been collapsing slowly, and I lost a lot of interest for it. I’m thinking going back to London but I don’t want to leave America either.”

“Why don’t you just come back though? Nothing’s stopping you.”

“I know, but I feel like a failure if I go back. America was the dream and now I’ve caught it, my fingers meet again through the illusion. I’d go back to America though. England’s too foreign for me already. Too much past.”

“Even if they were the past, it doesn’t make them any less real than the present. I’m the past and proof that I’m more, I’ve changed, moved on and got out of orbit around you. Well, I was never in orbit from the start but you were there, you were a part of things, a part of the groove of everything. And we’ve either got to replace that space or delete that space by moving further apart. And that was the only way to create stability when you’re gone.”

Phil lookes forward and takes another drag. The smoke fills his lungs and he starts of feel sick. The houses in front were all silent, as if vacant and empty.

“I mean,” Pj continues, “what are you even doing here? What did you expect Phil? For everything freeze as it was? For nothing to ever change? That we were a game saved in the back of your mind that you can play and pause at will?

“No.” Phil interjects, “It-it isn’t like that. It’s just that I need a breath of home to go on. I couldn’t let it go. It was insistent, overbearing at times. You have no idea how many times I wanted America to kick it and go back to London, but things weren’t that simple. I had a dream, a factious dream, but a dream nonetheless. I didn’t want to spend time in halcyon days but I wanted something tough yet satisfying. I couldn’t get that.”

“So you came here then.”

“So I came here.”

Pj takes in another lungful of smoke before he crushed his cigarette, “You’ve got to find out what you want Phil. You can’t be happy if you don’t know what makes you happy.”

“And how do you suggest I start?” Phil turned his head up to catch Pj’s eyes as he heades back inside.

“Talk to Dan.”

“I don’t think I can.” Phil shivers, getting up as well.

“Well, you better,” Pj half smiles at the obliviousness of Phil, “Cause he’ll be here for nothing.”

Phil quickly turns around and looks up.

Dan smiles, “Hey Phil.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are much appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> I'll try to update once a week on Wednesdays and occasional hiatuses. Leave me a comment if you guys are interested or what you think of it!  
> (Ps. if any of this sounds familiar it's because I'm moving all my work off of tumblr and into here. Cheers!)  
> -Rach


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